This week marks the beginning of my summer vacation, a whole month off from working at school. I am soooo looking forward to spending time with my little man and going to Sesame Place in a few weeks, yay! In between days trips and picking up some extra shifts serving (a whole month off means no extra income) I have been actively creating a to-do list of things that need to get done before the beginning of the school year for Parker and I. Only one month until I start my first semester of grad school and I want to be as organized as possible; I'm on a roll, or so I thought.
To my surprise, I found out last week that I needed to take the Praxis I before I could start grad school. I scheduled my test date for the earliest date possible-July 29th. Mind you, I scheduled the test on the 22nd giving myself exactly one week to study. This past week has been complete chaos and couldn't have happened at a worse time. Parker returned Thursday night from a WHOLE WEEK of vacation. I had missed him so much and felt like a terrible mother that I had to spend his first few days back completely engulfed in work and my studies. Luckily, he has great family that he spent time with while I studied, but that didn't make me feel any better that I was spending even more time away from him.
Feeling complete mommy guilt, I decided to take Parker to sweet frog last night, as a reward for dealing with an excess of chicken nuggets and Netflix lately. Of course, all of his five "babies" and his "blankie" had to come with us. Standing in line, him juggling 3 of his babies and myself juggling the rest, he dropped his dish on the floor and frozen yogurt went everywhere. My hands covered in chocolate, I tried to salvage what was left. Behind us was a group of teenage girls and I could just feel their stares and snickers burning the back of my head; I was so incredibly embarrassed. I couldn't help but yell at Parker for making a mess. He apologized and said it was an accident and I vaguely remember snapping back that he needs to pay more attention to what he is doing. All I could think of was what people were thinking watching us, "of course she's causing a scene, she's a young mom she clearly doesn't know what she is doing," I couldn't wait to get out of there.
Later when we got home, after Parker finished getting ready for bed and I was tucking him in, he asked me if I could cuddle with him like we usually do every night. "Not tonight" I told him, "mommy needs to study for her exam." "I understand," he said. I'm not quite sure, but for some reason the way he said it just broke my heart. I knew being a mom was going to mean making sacrifices, but I never expected it to tear at my heart strings quite so badly. Here I am, trying to make a better future for my child, yet I feel like I am the world's worst mother.
As a way of celebrating my first Praxis exam being over (and passing-yay!) I decided to spend a night binging on Netflix and Riesling. I saw two amazing movies, "Life Happens" and " I Don't Know How She Does It," both movies about moms trying to juggle careers, motherhood, and life in general, and I couldn't help but feel a sense of righteousness after watching these movies.
It's so easy to get caught up in the whole "supermom" idea. You know, the mom that works a full time job, gets the kids to soccer and dance, cooks homemade organic dinners, throws the best birthday parties, etc. According to my pinterest boards I am all of the above, but realistically I burned French toast the other morning and my child wears his crocs more often than not because I can't find any clean socks. Often, I look at other families and mothers and feel so inadequate. I put myself down for not spending more time with my child. I wonder how my decisions will affect my child as he grows up and if he will hate me because of what his friends have that he does not. Sure he gets family dinner and bedtime stories, but I'm not the one doing it. There are days that I feel like someone else is raising my child for me and I am missing out on his childhood. I often wonder if my life would be easier if I weren't a single mom. Being a single mom, I feel like I have to prove myself more as a mother; I have to go that extra distance to prove that despite the fact there is no father in the picture, I'm actually a good mom.
I feel like Kim in "Life Happens," no matter how hard she worked no one ever saw it or appreciated it, you feel so alone sometimes and there is not a single person who understands the struggles that you go through as a single mom. You know what though? In "I Don't Know How She Does It" Kate was married with two children and she still struggled, she even faked making a pie for her daughter's bake sale as a way to uphold her perfect mother persona. Bottom line is, being a mother is hard. It doesn't matter whether you are single mom, have a partner, or are happily married. There will always be people judging you and there will always be that one mother who always seems to have it all together. You may look at other mothers and their picture perfect families wishing that was you, but I bet you secretly they have sent their child to school with mismatching socks too hoping no one would notice. There is no real "supermom" because we are all supermoms. Everything we do every day makes us a supermom.
We need to stop judging ourselves so harshly. At the end of the day you have done the best that you can. You want to know the best part? You do it out of love. Pure endless love. Not one person is the same, so why should our child raising be as well? I was dealt a different hand of cards, but that doesn't change my love for my child or the extent that I will go to in order to provide for him. He may not always get the daytrips to the zoo or meals made from scratch, but he know who loves him more than anything in the entire universe.
Your child does not see your imperfections, you are their superhero. It's like Kate says, "I love being a mother of a two-year old. It is like being a movie star in a world without critics." So next time you feel that Suzy Homemaker next to you is far superior than you are, try to look through the eyes of your child and see what they see. You are loved. So loved. And you are the best mommy in the whole wide world.
